


These Tangled Thoughts

by bisexualbarry



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Barry Allen Needs a Hug, F/M, Internal Conflict, No Dialogue, Tags Are Hard, everyone is honestly just a mention lmao, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-27 03:10:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17758658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualbarry/pseuds/bisexualbarry
Summary: Barry self-reflects during the aftermath of Savitar.





	These Tangled Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is!! i wanted to do a sort of self-reflection since i feel like flash didnt really comment on what barry mightve been thinking after savitar. but then it turned kinda venty at some points so now this thing just Barry Being Sad
> 
> barry didnt go into the speedforce after defeating savitar in this fic
> 
> not edited!!

It didn’t take long for him to feel like his thoughts were unraveling him. Taking him apart bit by bit until he was nothing more than broken pieces, ready to fall apart at the slightest breeze. His team, _his family_ , didn’t understand. Caitlin probably could, but she took off shortly after Savitar was defeated. Leaving him there, alone, sinking further and further into an endless pit of darkness.

It wasn’t that he was actively trying to lose himself into his despair. If anything, he was doing his best not to. Fake smiles and a brave face. If he smiled and laughed enough, they wouldn’t be aware of just how much he was hurting inside. They wouldn’t be aware of just how much he wanted, _he needed_ , the pain to end. And Iris...lovely Iris. Barry couldn’t let her know just how fake his smiles were becoming when she was so excited for their wedding. He needed some light in his life, and Iris was his lightning rod. Soaking up all the brightness and saving it to shine just for him. Ground him.

But even this couldn’t liven him up in his worst moments.

Seeing Savitar. Seeing his face on the villain that was set out to kill the love of his life. It was a breaking point within him, and he wasn’t entirely sure if he’d be able to ever fully be the way he used to before he even got his powers. How he felt reminded him a lot of how he looked in the future when Savitar succeeded in killing Iris. Alone, hurting, _broken_. The others did their best to understand how he was feeling. Cisco’s evil Earth-2 was proof enough that a part of his friend _did_ understand where he was coming from. But even Cisco’s other Earth self hadn’t tried to kill the one person he held dear to himself. No, that was Barry. Barry’s whose broken self shattered enough to make him turn into someone even he didn’t recognize at first. The warped reality of the situation wasn’t lost on Barry. If anything, it made him open his eyes more.

Ever since his mother’s death, Barry had always struggled with depression. The loss of his mother due to death and watching his father be sent to prison would do that to just about anybody. But this...this felt different. A whole other level of despair that had creeped up on him sooner than he would’ve liked. His team always regarded Savitar as another being, another version of Barry that theirs couldn’t possibly ever become. But...was it really that far-fetched? It _terrified_ him. Any further down the path he was already treading and he’d become the monster they spent months fighting. It wasn’t that he wanted that, no. He would rather end his own life before he killed any of his loved ones.

Caitlin would deny it if he ever asked, but Barry couldn’t miss the terror in her eyes after Savitar went down. Barry _was_ him, after all. And she had left to work with him for months. Granted, it was Killer Frost working with him. But when it came down to it, he was still Savitar, and Caitlin was still Killer Frost. Even visiting the future Killer Frost, she couldn’t hide the fear in her eyes from seeing it. She hid it well, but Barry had spent enough times talking with Caitlin to recognize the look.

When talking with Joe one time, Joe had tried telling Barry that Savitar was nothing more than a copy. That is, after all, what he told everyone. A time remnant. A version of Barry who had broken under all the wrong reasons. Every time Barry saw Savitar, he could feel ice running through his veins. _This could be you. This_ is _you_. It didn’t make battling him any easier. Barry had spent the previous two years trying to improve his speed. Get better. Go faster. And here was this other version of him who _was_ better, and who _was_ faster. It made Barry wonder if he, too, could be like that. Feel the way the electricity ran through his veins, pushing his legs harder to the ground; propelling him forward just a little bit faster than the last. Even the suit seemed to energize the way the lightning lit up his whole body, sending a spark through him and made him feel _electric_. And Barry wanted that _so bad_.

But every time he had that thought, Iris’s face would appear in his mind. Like with everything, she was his home. His lightning rod and sense of purpose. With her smiling at him in his mind, the thoughts of becoming Savitar seemed to erase almost completely. He couldn’t hurt her the way _he_ was insistent on doing.

The sad reality was Barry could understand where Savitar was coming from. The need to stay alive prevailed over everything, only just beat by the need to keep his loved ones alive. Barry loved his life, he really did, but he wouldn’t be able to do what Savitar was about to. If it was between him or Iris living, it would be Iris every time.

Internal conflict leading him to dangerous paths. And if he was being completely honest with himself, he wasn’t entirely sure what side would win.

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://bibibarry.tumblr.com)   
>  [my instagram](http://instagram.com/olivxrry)


End file.
